A Comprehensive Guide to Old Monk

This article is submitted anonymously.
Old Monk.
Never have two words inspired such myriad emotions. It is the sugarcane molasses that went to college, got a job at McKinsey analysing fur thickness of Llamas (Dalai is Lama, There is a difference) then called you on seeing the Facebook update of your breakup yelling “Chal daaru peete hai” and then kept refilling Old Monk for you from itself? Wait. What.
What you came for (other than Sasha Grey. Sorry.):

1. You must use CocaCola for the oh so beautiful classic cocktail. Not Diet Coke. Not fucking Pepsi. You must be skinned in silence of the night by a bloodthirsty vigilante if you use Thumps Up when CocaCola is available. Ratio is 2:1, 1 being Monku.

2. Old Monk shots! No, calm your tits you heathen, chugging 30ml doesn’t constitute a shot. Take a glass, plastic if you don’t trust yourself. Dip the rim in salt. Pour 30ml of beloved Monku and 3 drops of lemon juice. That is called a shot.

3. Sure, you can Google to find intricate cocktails involving coconut cream, grenadine, pineapple tea powder and blood of Megyn Kelly. Soon you’ll realize you do not have the cash, the time or inclination to put all that together. You can’t be disappointed. I’ve told you.

4. If you plan to drink neat, don’t. No, no, not being an unkill here. The key is sprinkling 4 drops of water every for every peg of Monku. This ensures all the vicious chemicals evaporate leaving behind the sweet rum with a hint of chocolate.

5. You may pour some Old Monk over a scoop of vanilla ice cream for instant high and/or sugar rush. Sugar helps alcohol digest and enter you blood stream faster. Never forget.

6. A quarter costs Rs.108 in the glorious State of Maharashtra. Half costs Rs.210. Khamba costs Rs. 432. If you happen to be from Karnataka, where Khamba costs Rs.260 if I recall correctly, you may yell bhenchod in your loudest voice. It is noteworthy that I researched how excise duty works because I was outraged by this, including dozens of notifications on stateexcise.maharashtra.gov.in

7. It will be a cold day in hell before Bombay cops give a shit about probable cause for search before asking you for bribes to go away. Which means the publicly intoxicated you with a quarter in brown paper/polythene bag just screams aao mujhe harass karo. To avoid this BT, just pick a comfortable corner, don’t annoy anyone and you can sip on the said elixir on a beach staring at the sunset.

8. You may work on your project/s at 3 am while sipping on Old Monk, the deadline being the same day obviously. However, in the light of the fact that not everyone is a high functioning alcoholic and/or recreational drinker, it is suggested that you experiment with an insignificant project like Legal English.

Lord Krishna will bless.